Denimbeard's Journal

Exerpts from my writen journal.


Democracy in America

Lately I have found myself reaching for something I think I’ve always craved. Leaving a city. I find myself studying self-preservation, self-sustainability and distancing your worth from others. I crave a lifestyle that feels rewarding and proves itself to me. Something that forces my hand and makes me [be] creative. I feel like everyday I spend in an office or at my apartment is a day I wasted. Its not so much a desire to be alone, but a desire to not feel needed or responsible for people or things that have so little impact on me. Coming to work and being accountable and productive just to come home and stop moving is exhausting.

I want to eat better, live actively and productively and not do it like I am now.


Rotaract Meet: 1/11/2015

Logo: Official name around gear?

Feb 11th Thursday

Elite Volleyball

$15/hour + free lunch

8 or 9 o’clock signup

Usually ends around 3(?)

Can snapchat handle multi-Login?

Twitter need updated, password? Yolanda.

Social Media form for all logins

It is interesting that life is remembered backwards, but we forget to live forwards. [This was crossed out for some reason.]

Get rules to post later on FB


Dec. 29th 2015: 1/10


Thought experiment: A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is he made of the house, or is the house made of [the] man?

If you can accept that they are made out of the same basic components, then you must also question the nature of consciousness. When asked this question I begin to process the man and house as the body and mind. My mind is the gingerbread man, the house becomes my body. Both are made of primarily the same things. If I can accept a mind on its own as being human, and a body on its own as being human, then the spectrum of humanity becomes very broad and increasingly so with advancing technologies. If a mind alone is human, then a pure android with replicated/download minds must be human as well. If bodies are human, then someone born without conscience must be equally human. This would then being to complicate a few different aspects of culture and law. Fundamental questions regarding the state of responsibility will need to be reconsidered.

I remember reading an example of an assistant robot. The AI could process and mimic human emotions. If a system can properly “mimic” emotion to the point that you would [not] be able to tell the difference [between it and a authentic human] would this be the line where we would have to agree that the emotion is authentic? The major argument I’ve been running into regarding this is that the emotions are programmed and not organic. If the pieces fit, then why not accept it as authentic?

Dec. 23rd, 2015

Suicide- School of Life YouTube

The effects of mental illness are so wide spread yet hidden in our culture. Looking at the struggles of the American lifestyle, The over worked and underfed, I can see why we prefer to hide these issues and discuss them as if they are nothing more then a rare instance. The fact of the matter is, there is a need for mental health regardless of your mental state of mind. The benefits of creating a proper, Inclusive and efficient mental health system in this country would slow down, If not ultimately preventing, crime, terror and other issues abound.

I often hear of the need for preventative measures when friends or family talk about the effect of suicide. Statements like, “How could we have known,” or “I wish I could do more,” The sad thing is I only hear these statements after the deed is done. What is stopping us from looking at the effects of mental health and its impact on families before it ruins lives? Why do we need to make charities and memorials in honor of what we could have done, Instead of what we prevented? It seems odd to me that we downplay the effects of a universal need too heavily.

This past year has been marked by nearly 400 mass shootings and for some reason we are unable to bring a spotlight to the mental health system. We need to begin looking as adults to see what changes can be made. Instead of hiding we need to find ways to draw attention, methods to actually help and create welcoming environments for people to discus and find solutions.



I was just reflecting on a part of this book where the author is describing how the end of the Scandinavian bronze age was a focal point for solidarity. The people had learned how to forge their own tools and resources without relying on outside trade for bronze. Iron as a technology had no glamor or status because it was honestly available to practically everyone. I see the internet and web content evolving in  the same way. As more and more advances are made, the internet, much like iron, becomes more of an ‘everyman’ type of tool. Strong, moldable, resilient, our version of iron can also have frail and brittle character as well. It took our smiths many years to refine iron into steel, and as such I see our current generation building that foundation now [crafting the internet into the next stage of use, as if to say we are paving the way for an internet revolution, similar to an industrial revolution.].

With every new advancement, there were always people sworn to the previous technologies. Nothing is adapted in full, instantly; but over many shades of grey.

Dec 20th, 2015

The Vikings, Neil Oliver

As the year comes to more of a close I have started to feel it’s effects. There has been much thought and wonder in my step, and I find myself often asking what my legacy will become. Will I ever be known for standing for something? I have recently joined Rotaract as a chartering member and hope that this might resolve some of this personal tension of mine. Yet I can’t help but feel as though there is more I can do. In the back of my mind I forge two basic Ideas. One of my Ideal home, and another of a community work space.

In my homes blueprints, I have no yard, only garden space. Rows of crops ranging from aisles of corn to rows of blueberry bushes. I imagine spending whole afternoons pruning and gathering various items. Pulling wayward weeds and flowers, feeding  birds or raising bees. My basement would have virtually nothing in it but storage spaces. Room to can, brew and freeze. Almost always the same temperature, and clean, welcoming workspaces. I want to remove a room from the second floor and have a huge lit space on the first floor. Nothing but entertaining space. Living and a kitchen, a den to enjoy a drink in. Upstairs designed like a master suite. It’s own bathroom and large bedroom with an accompanying library/office space.

Of course, I need a garage for shop space. I want a forge and wood stove. Space to build and tinker. To cure hides and cut wood. For tools and metal working. The community space I want to start should be like my home, but at a larger scale. I want it to teach people how to be self sustaining, to build and grow for themselves.



“One can respect such great renunciation on the part of men who suffer too much from the contrast between the unhappiness of all and the privileges sometimes associated with an artists lot, who reject the unbearable distance separating those whom poverty gags and those who’s vocation is rather to express themselves constantly,”

I attempted to write an essay on my unorthodox pagan beliefs and found it to be a rather slow and confusing mess. Apparently, my ideas are not very widely accepted. I feel an obligation to seek out more study sources and figure out exactly where my beliefs lay. I know this much, the Nordic faiths are where my tendencies lie, but my mentality seems to be vastly different from others. Why would gods care what race or sex someone is, so long as they work and provide? Why would a god waste their time investigating whom a follower loved? It’s more sense to believe that.

Astru over Odinism?

-[Odinism] apparently super racist!

These terms are problematic to say the least. Paganism seems to be difficult to narrow down well enough. I think some of my major issues stem from the fact that so many are willing to shun and hate the other. As if this spiritualism is something of a contest. That effort is wasted, these feelings of elite-ness are flawed on such a level that they should be considered the farthest thing from faith.

Paganism should be a welcoming, forgiving and guiding faith. One that welcomes all who dare to investigate it, and shun away no one. My faith in the gods tells me that everyone and everything has a story and a voice. We are nothing more then a collection of dust doing the best with what we have. I wish I could start a movement or shift in this mentality. Grow the strength of community and work. The ability to unite and change the places we live should be shared together in open peace. My experience with the pagan faith so far is that they can’t seem to focus on anything other them themselves.

I want to create a place where anyone is welcome to learn Old Ways. Forges, farming, brewing, etc. Teach us to live on our own, but support our families and communities all the same.



November 13th will be remembered as a day of solidarity for France. I worry for the backlash of racism that is about to come down around the world. Even now, as I sit at my desk at work, coworkers are discussing the border control and how Muslims will damage society as a whole. I hope that we can soon unite against a common enemy and see its destruction once and for all. This enemy of course being the hateful, bigoted and criminal nature of how we treat other cultures and people. We must show that we do not tolerate these types of actions but remain united in an effort for acceptance. Shunning those of different backgrounds is not the answer. Hiding and walling yourself away is not the answer. You must be willing to ask the hard questions and negotiate regardless of the threat faced.

My hope for all of our friends in France is that her lands stay vibrant and free. That they do not resort to violence or spying to suit vendettas, but instead hope to focus on the lives lost and rebuild from there.


Evans [my younger brother] birthday.

Robots replacing people. [In the job force, something that I would like to learn and talk in depth about.]

Juvenoia books:

-Teenager by Jon Savage

-Everything Bad is Good For You by Steven Johnson

[This entry was short, but I think it was meant to be a reminder for my future self. I can’t imagine that it was an actual coincidence that I would have the idea of industry robotics replacing people while remembering my family members birthday. There’s a strange dichotomy there, of wanting to advance and grow up, but being tied down to tradition and family.

I think that’s a very common theme in my life. Knowing that I have my own roads to take, but scared of what the traditions will provide for me. Do you run from them or mold them to your own needs? What takes less out of you?]

11/09/2015 [Even later, why did I do this?]

Camus over tea [Why is the tea important? Cause fuck you.]

“Without freedom, no art; art lives only on the restraints it imposes on itself, and dies of all others. But without freedom no socialism either, except the socialism of the gallows.”

There is a weight to the words here that I haven’t noticed in earlier essays. You can start to feel and experience the stress and connection of Camus as he finds his political prowess. What I like about him most is the way he is both unforgiving and increasingly unbashful. Regardless of where in this timeline I have read, he has been forward and articulate in a way that lends itself to wisdom. I can only hope that with my own coming of age that I can maintain a sliver of wisdom that would resemble this. I feel as though that has been a goal of mine for a long time. To fill this part of myself with knowing. For example I already know that I know very little. I contain such a small and fleeting sense of knowledge that I hesitate to say I know anything at all. This, of course, is what I fine entertaining about the idea that there is limited or limitless knowledge.

I rather enjoy watching my pet lizard observe the world around her. The way she moves her head in a jerking and sudden motion in an effort to keep pace with the data. It’s absurd. Her scope of knowledge is so limited, yet fundamentally complete. She knows and uses exactly the right amount of data to be successful in her existence and based on her reactions I can only assume there is a great deal of content in her life. She has a basic and relaxing expression of pure interest in her environment even while lacking the ability to comprehend the glass walls that surround her. In a way, so must we be [also].